Photgraphs: A Moment In Time...And Yet Do They Tell The Entirety of A Moment?

 Dear Fishes-

         Today was a good day. It was again a lovely shining day with the sun brightening up the world yet another day. I got to take my bridal photos--which is something that is particular to Utah. No where have I ever been to a place (and I've been to lots of places) such as Utah, that has its own set of cultural norms/vernacular as pervasive as Utah. To take "Bridals" in Utah means that a bride, in addition to engagement photos, takes pictures in her wedding dress before she is married along with her fiancé to be able to have said photos at the wedding reception on display. Granted while most brides are in their early twenties, I am not. Due to having been sexually abused as a young child, by a babysitter's husband, I have had problems with relationships with men in the past. I've not picked out great men before, until now. The man that I'm marrying is an amazing man that understands me and still loves me anyways. lol 

        While I may be in my forties, getting married is still a daunting planning experience. You'd think after all of the wedding receptions and weddings I've been to, that it would just be easy to just get married, but it is not. The nuances of getting married are very particular, especially within my religion. I'm a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and being such, there are certain obligations that one goes through to get married, especially if one wants to get married in the temple, which I do. 

       To be honest, I've always wanted to get married in the temple, I just wasn't sure how that was going to happen because of all of the things that have happened to me to make me leery of men in the past, until now. Not only was I sexually abused as a kid, I was physically abused as a kid as well by people that were supposed to love me and that broke my spirit at an early age. Then on top of that, I had a father that had no idea of what he was doing and was a narcissist and also was emotionally, physically, and verbally abusive to me growing up. Were there good times? Sure, but the other times felt more pervasive than not. Is it why I have autoimmune diseases? Not completely sure, I know that it doesn't help though. It's interesting how the mind internalizes things and then manifests it through the body. It's like my friend that is in her seventies who is going through the grief process, due to losing a second grown child, and her body is losing hair, teeth, and other things going wrong from the pain and grief she is suffering from. I've heard people speculate that there is a complete correlation between the mind and the body and that illnesses present themselves because of undealt emotions. I know doctors would say that the two aren't connected exactly, but it's interesting to surmise what is taking place on a deeper level, though. 

        Going back to wanting to be married in the temple, one must do things to get there that require personal discipline and compliance to higher laws than what are today's rules and such in the world. Getting married in the temple means to covenant with God as well as to one's new spouse that you will hold the marriage in sacredness, and only cleave to your spouse in a holy marital bond. By today's worldly standards, that seems impossible to a lot of people because they do not hold themselves to a higher law with God for whatever reasons. Have I been a perfect LDS? No, that's what the atonement of Jesus Christ is for and allows for all to repent and take upon His name in a more holy way and begin anew. I'm grateful for the atonement of Jesus Christ and all that that encompasses. 

        In order to get married in the temple, I have to live in such a way that is pleasing to God. There are questions in accordance with that that put my relationship with God under scrutiny. Sometimes the questions asked by one's ecclesiastical leader feel insurmountable at best, but at other times, doable. I've wanted to get married in the temple but wasn't sure how that was all going to happen because of things I've done in my past that aren't the most virtuous of things. We all have things that we're not proud of, some more than others (including myself). I think it was because I got lost in life previously due to how living with autoimmune illnesses just eats away at your soul every single day, from the monotony of it all. Having to deal with countless doctors' appointments, visits to the hospital, urgent care, E.R. visits, dealing with insurance companies and also dealing with pharmacies just seem to overwhelm me at times. It's all very daunting and inflicts a lot of emotional pain on me at times because of how exhausting it all is being very sick. You start not to care at times and put things on the back burner that should be in the front of your life. That's what happens with chronic illnesses. You have only so much energy that you can expend and then you're done for the day. I've been on medications that have made me do things that I normally wouldn't do, I've had many reactions to meds that are just nuts and make me feel like a science experiment by doctors. I feel like the bat from "Fern Gully" that is a science experiment that Robin Williams was the voice over for. 

         So, wedding pictures drudges up all of these feelings, who knew? Crazy, right? lol I plan on getting married in the temple now and my fiancé and I have been really good about not crossing any boundaries, so that's good. We're being good, so there's that going for us. Don't get me wrong, things are still difficult at times, but we're still on the path to the temple. Getting back to "bridals" as they are commonly noted from the natives around Utah. I've never seen such a thing until I moved to Utah, ten or so years ago--I've kind of lost track. I came here from the last place I was at, which was California. Sometimes I miss California, but then I don't because of the politics. California is one of the prettiest places that I've ever lived, though. Love the beaches, the people, the vibe, and all of the beauty that surrounds it. 

       Ok I promise that I'll get back to "bridals" and continue that thought in this paragraph, if not, I give you permission to mock me. lol The pictures so commonly noted as "bridals" in Utah are a big deal here. It's like it's the time for parents to publicly say, "Look at my daughter, see how beautiful she is, this is why she's getting married." I never thought I'd participate in it, but one starts to do what the natives do when one is around them long enough. So I did it. One of my best dear friends took my "bridals" and from what I looked at in the camera when she showed me, they were stunning. She did an excellent job. She is a phenomenal photographer, she's also my hair stylist, who moonlights as a photographer on the side. She has one of the biggest hearts I've ever seen. Such a beautiful human being inside and out. I was glad I chose her as my photographer for them. With my fiance's parents being deceased and me only having my mom left, I wasn't sure if I'd bother with taking bridals, but the bridal bug bit me and then I wanted to take them because what woman that loves shiny things doesn't like to have her picture taken when she's wearing a full face of makeup? Let's be honest, here. 

         I love photographs because they encapsulate the moment that you're desperately trying to always keep with you and remember that one time that life seemed magical. I think that's why I take so many pictures myself. I love commemorating that there are times that I want to hold onto that remind me of why I don't kill myself. There are beautiful things all around us, amazing human beings, and beautiful people inside and out that I want to commemorate. Remembering them in all of their glory at that particular time kind of immortalizes them for me. The thing also about photographs is that it's not seen how a person came to look a certain way or a place became beautiful from looking at the photograph. It takes millions of years for some rock formations to form and some people it takes a lifetime to become something to look at. I went through an ugly duckling period for many years and that was pretty awkward for all involved, including myself. People don't see all of the discipline it took me when I used to be a size 4 and I would have people tell me that I was beautiful and they would treat me differently because of it. Now since I've been overweight most of my adult life (due to medications and severe depression) I've noticed how people treat me is completely different. I may still be pretty, but it's a struggle when I know how I used to get special treatment because of the size I used to be vs. how I look now. I'm not saying that that's right because it's not. People should treat all humans with equity and kindness, but we all know that that isn't how life is, unfortunately.  I bring all of this up because I have a friend that assumed that I had always been "gorgeous" as she put it and I wanted to say, "You have no idea of what I've gone through, to get here." I think it's how with every person you come into contact with. We don't know how a person has been cultivated or not, and when that might take place, but each person has worth and beauty to them, whether or not someone else can see it. 

           These are just my personal night time ramblings....am I glad I took the bridals? Yes, they will commemorate a time that I want to pleasantly look upon with my future husband and say, "Remember when" and remember that season of our lives and all that took place. 

See ya in the sea anemone, 

B.